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Monday, September 25, 2006 >> Avoiding the Undertow.
Beat Collective Soul - December.
Disposition ambivalent.
The Conqueror of Shambala: Fabulous. School: Laborious. Work: Rigorous. Sleep: Tenuous. Life: Grievous. Trinity Blood: Curious.
Twelve days passed and a day's rest from catching carts and packing provisions did not come. Essays and an exam came and went, leaving stress and strife in their wake, yet despite a lack of sleep, a monkey on her back, and a weariness in her heart the girl prevailed. An A was achieved, paychecks received and friends were treated at her insistence. She studied and stocked shelves, made pumpkin pie, homemade lasagna and chili, chocolate cream pie with meringue, and manicotti is planned for the following night. She balanced her checkbook and paid her bills, discovered the delight to be had in vegan cookies, and purchased clothes at the GAP.
Saturday was satisfying. She ordered cheese on her Subway sandwich which is a rarity, and enjoyed anime and the company of a close friend. She said the Now n' later candy she consumed tasted like childhood, and laughing at Edo's antics nearly made her choke on a piece. She felt sad for Roy and Winry. She finds Trinity Blood intriguing, and Abel Nightroad strangely similar to Tsuzuki of Yami no Matsuei.
She also ate whipped cream out of the can last night, and last week in a fit of depression, went through a half a bag of candy corn in one sitting before she came to her senses.
She bought more of said candy this afternoon and ate it while reading an Autumn issue of Martha Stewart Living. The blueberry pieces turned her tongue blue, and she still has not decided on what her Halloween costume will be, yet has planned to carve pumpkins with a few friends and bake them cookies.
She became irate when her mother nearly knocked the Alphonse figure off of her bookcase, and was angered that she ate her last yogurt cup.
She has already planned her week, centered on assignments and work schedules, meal plans, due dates, and a potential trip to dinner with the parents.
She does not want to go to bed feeling unfulfilled, but-
She knows she probably will.
[ 12:08 a.m. ]
Monday, September 11, 2006 >> Woke up this morning.
Beat Greenday - Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Disposition gloomy.
Woke up this morning. Made blueberry pancakes. Ate them alone. Drank too much diet vanilla Dr. Pepper. Chewed four pieces of gum. Asked a question in math class. Scrubbed a toilet. Danced to the Rolling Stones in a convienience store. Bagged groceries. Deemed a delivery boy attractive. Watered mums. Wore a hoodie with a pink skull and a headband to match. Planned to decorate for Halloween. Craved a Snickers bar. Bought Jones soda and peaches. Skipped in a parking lot. Wished I could cook for a boy.
Cursed chipped nail polish. Drank a smoothie while shopping for bottled water in Costco. Twirled my hair. Spent thirty minutes in Barnes and Noble. Twenty minutes picking out a manga. Picked up a stuffed black cat. Ate pizza and ice cream. Played a DBZ arcade game and bought a stick on tattoo. Looked for bats at twilight. Painted my nails. Meant to study. Fell asleep on bed with said manga.
[ 11:35 p.m. ]
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 >> Numb.
Beat Alice in Chains - Man in the Box.
Disposition morose.
Life has no meaning anymore... does it?
The wine has no taste.
The food sickens you.
There seems no reason for any of it...
does there?
Lestat de Lioncourt Interview With The Vampire (1994)
[ 8:44 a.m. ]
Monday, August 07, 2006 >> Irregular Rhythm.
Beat Heather Nova - I Have The Touch.
Disposition restless.
Something wonderful has happened. I was lying amassed in a web of tangled sheets-a rarity, for normally I kick them off to the side during the night. Yesterday was uncomfortably warm as customary for Redding in August-so much so that I spent a good portion of the early afternoon lying dormat on my mattress in a pool of sweat. Yet-this morning I woke to the distinct sound of thunder, and found myself coiled in blankets due to the colder temperature. The sky was shrouded with clouds, and a few drops fell. I was elated. Even if now, as the morning creeps closer to the afternoon and the sun works its way through the cloud cover, I am still reveling in the fleeting euphoria of rainfall. There is still a light breeze.
I am coming to the end of my first week at Holiday-and I am loving it. Despite loathing the fact that I am still new and struggling to learn the ins and outs of my job-how I abhor the sensation of feeling inept and pestering others for assistance. I am direly trying to do my best, and though every fuck-up feels disastrous-I will persevere. I simply must. But I love the job. My co-workers are wonderful. One of the young girls who trained me the first day made me think of Minako the way she pulled her blonde hair into a half ponytail. One of my female managers distinctly reminds me of Riza-I had not pinpointed this resemblance until a couple days ago. She is authoritative but kind. One of the night managers resembles Sally Po-the way she weaves her blonde hair into braids.
I find it funny that when I now see them each of their corresponding nicknames pops into my mind.
The degree of friendliness and camraderie astounds me. Not that I did not have it at my previous place of employment, far from, as we behaved more as family than employees. They are so welcoming and complaisant. I treat myself to a demi baguette, an apple, and a three musketeers candy bar each day on my lunch break and for an hour I savor my food, and reciprocate the amicable nods and waves from customers and co-workers. I have a uniform, a number, and a name tag. I should not love this as much as I do.
Ah-and the La Brea mini baguette-I could eat it everyday, three times a day, and not grow tired of it. With a cup of yogurt it is divine.
School is coming. I feel it like the onset of a bad head cold. I am not ready to go back. Though ironically, I will be purchasing school supplies in town today when I accompany my mother on a dinner and a movie outing.
Speaking of another unwanted arrival, after nearly three months of not being accosted by the woe of a woman's cycle, I recieved it. Yet I was relieved and I never thought I would be. It should be approaching again soon.
And I updated my website. I hesitate as I say it, but I am proud of it.
I am trying to disengage myself from being isolated-inside and out. Work consumes my leisure time, and although I am enjoying my job I miss my kindred spirits. Last night, as I was checking groceries down at the far register, I hear my name shouted by a voice I adore and would recognize anywhere. It was Brie and with her Bryce, Amy, Molly, Qwinny, and Josh. I could not have been more elated. She visits me often much to my delight, and yesterday I was privileged with the company of Shane, Alex, and Matt in my check out aisle. We proposed to get together this week, and I am greatly anticipating it.
They averred I was losing more weight, which I do not altogether believe, as I have been eating a candy bar with my lunch everyday, treating myself to ice cream, pringles, waffles, and pizza.
Which reminds me, my mother is taking me to round table tonight. Is it lame that I am excited?
[ 10:20 a.m. ]
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Monday, July 17, 2006 >> Stagnation.
Beat Ultravox - Dancing with tears in my eyes.
Disposition contemplative.
How odd this all seems to me. So many changes and yet it seems as though things remain the same. I am not where I thought I would be this mid July. Yesterday was the last day of business for Sunset Express, and I am melancholy, despite my excitement, yes, anticipation of being hired at the local grocery store only days before. I start this Thursday, and I am eager to begin something new, to commence a novel adventure. I am at my best when I feel most productive, despite the guilty pleasure I reap from simply lying in bed and languishing over a book or dull daytime television. I am halfway through updating my website with fervor, and I want another project-rearrange my room, tear down the walls-see a red door, paint it black. Summer leaves me restless-the itch the escape the routine, the obligations and the mundane. I cannot be satiated.
Much to my dismay, I function best when I am busy-preoccupied. I run in circles just to keep my mind from being addled. Literally, on an excercise machine, and then an evening walk with my father. Though last night I confess I ran faster to burn off excess anger from having been stood up. One would think with all the structure in my life I would be impervious to the fickle behavior of others. I am not.
I feel addled. Fading by degrees. Tom Petty is releasing a new album this summer and against all odds I shall obtain it. I doubt if I will renew my cell phone minutes. That wretched device drives me insane. I find that I love waking up early and preparing breakfast. Though this morning as I was sitting down to pancakes, yogurt, and toast, I mused that it would be favorable to cook for someone else for a change.
[ 10:57 a.m. ]
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 >> Haunts of the internal and external kind.
Beat The Fray - Over my Head
Disposition disquieted.
I have a keen desire all of a sudden to consume candy corn. Perhaps it is my unshakable love for the Halloween season. Which for some reason I am longing for, maybe it is due to the discovery of a recipe for pumpkin spice cookies I am eager to make. Low calorie, no less. Though I believe it is mostly because I abhor this sizzling weather-it scorches my alabaster flesh and promotes perspiration. Porcelain. I am not vain by any means, but I adore my white skin-the fact that it glows translucent in direct sunlight though from which I flee. I miss autumn; the comforting chill, daylight's early departure-languishing leaves-hues of crimson, gold, and mahogany. Ah. It does not elude me that this will be my last Halloween at home. I am excited and also apprehensive.
I have been feeling dismal lately. The restaurant where I have been working for nearly two years is going to close. Aside from the acute fear of being without a job, I am deeply concerned for my boss. I have come to love and respect her dearly, and I know it is tearing her up inside. I am heavily into hoarding my money now, yet I doubt I'll be able to avoid splurging on some candy for a hopeful trip to the movie theater on Friday to ogle Johnny Depp in the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick. Fat free candy, of course. I have given up Rockstars, sadly, as they had been spurring intense stomach spasms. Probably just an ulcer. Stress? Beh.
My week consists mostly of work, sleep, and exercise. I have a harrowing list of friends I should dial up in order to spend time with, but I find that I am too exhausted. I have been relishing in Snapple Diet Peach tea, Diet Root Beer, and the variety of fruit I entreated my Dad into purchasing. Upon seeing me chugging a glass of Diet A&W my mother pronounced that I never cease to surprise her. I derived more joy from that than she could possible understand, serving to reinforce the fact that she does not really know me. My cubby of assorted snacks is quite stuffed at the moment. I am going to work myself into exhaustion, I am aware, on my summer sabbatical no less. How disheartening. I have slowly been whittling away at working on my website, despite the urge to simply collapse once I get home. I am treating my body better, however, and it is rewarding me by keeping weight fluctuations at a minimum. Blessed be.
I am so addled by routine, and conflict-and certain turn of events. My recent failed relationship has been in my thoughts lately as I rekindled friendship with the boy, and the fact that he has expressed his desire to get back together has been eating at me. I am not willing to make the same mistake twice, and now memories of my fleeting happiness in that brief affinity are haunting me. It only serves to make me feel more alone. The one I wish to give more of myself to is out of reach, and perhaps always will be. This is all so over my head.
But-I already have an interview next Tuesday at the local grocery store for a position in the bakery and deli, which I would adore. Hopefully I will get the position. I find it sorrowful and somewhat sick that the only part of tomorrow I am looking forward to is the meals. Filling hours with distractions and obligations to occupy myself in order to forget the emptiness. Currently I believe I am trying to fill it with food. I have consumed 48 ounces of Snapple today and I am craving another one.
[ 11:25 p.m. ]
Friday, June 16, 2006 >> Fright and Flight.
Beat Cascada - Everytime we Touch
Disposition quelled
Carny rides kicked my ass. The annual Shasta District Fair has descended on Redding, and Wednesday I found myself attending said event with Brie and our darling friend Aimee after escaping the Sunset Express compound. I adore carnival rides-but I am paying for it now. My hips and neck ache, but it is not so disagreeable because there is something surreal about whirling through the air and watching your feet suspended high above the ground-floating, turning, and twirling-then viewing an elaborate array of fireworks from a ferris wheel view. What is disagreeable, however, is working six days next week, and six in a row. My only scheduled day off is next Friday, and hopefully I will be able to arrange a hair appointment as my roots are at least two inches visible. Blargh.
For foolish reasons perhaps I have been feeling self-conscious about my appearance lately-perhaps it dates back to searching for a swimsuit. Mostly I think it is due to my hair-I abhor the in-between phase when I need a haircut and dye job. I am not anticipating going in to work, I feel as though I am gearing up for a fight. It's as I said to Brie in the car today-I am Sunset's bitch.
And today-was excellent. Brie the darling that she is, took a road trip with me down to Chico, to visit the guy. Aimee went also, and we drank rockstars and ate cookies, pretzels, and sun chips on the ride down while listening to Aimee's Ipod. She is adorable-and she turned to me in the backseat as we were approaching Mangrove Avenue with that beautiful smile of hers and asked, "So is this your man, cookie?" I remembered smiling awkwardly and uttering, "Well, I'd definately like it." Before dropping me off we stopped at a gas station, and as a novelty they chipped in and purchased a box of condoms for me. Hilarious.
It was blistering hot due to the fact that his roommates do not want to turn on the air conditioning-one reason why he is moving out. I stayed as he cleaned, aided meagerly where I could then was indulged with his full attention. Subtle encouragement, playful taunting, quips, a gesture, a smile or a nod-and cuddling. Once again I am frightened by what I wanted to say-direly, desperately. Fear kept me silent. But it is not so great a secret, it is probably written all over my face when I gaze at him. And I am seeing him again tomorrow night providing I escape closing at work unscathed. May my seven hour shift go by swift.
[ 11:52 a.m. ]
Sunday, June 11, 2006 >> Heavy.
Beat Placebo - Twenty Years
Disposition Pensive
I proudly present a new layout. Took me long enough, eh? It is very traditional, and simple, and I love it-because I love Riza. I am slowly becoming less uptight and strict about my own graphics and layouts. Slowly. But there is progress, and now I am anticipating coding for my Duo layout. I went for another run this evening, now a customary occurence, and my Dad has been joining me lately. We already have a strong bond, but I love our chats as we pass comely cottages with manicured lawns, lush gardens, and fragrant flowers. I adore the smell of gardenia. I fear I am no longer a late sleeper-I rise without hesitation by at least nine, eager for breakfast, eager to begin the day. That is, unless I have to proceed to work.
I am leary. Much to my horror and dismay, Brie was let go tonight. This both baffles and offends me, as she is my dear friend, and I trained her. Also, it leaves me uneasy, fearing that I will be next as our mannerisms are so akin. Is this suppose to serve as a warning-like a severed head crudely affixed to a stick? I wonder if she is making an example to the rest of us. It only tempts me to search for a new job. While pawing through a stack of magazines that came with our mail, I was delighted to see another addition from the Pyramid Collection-which I anticipate almost as much as Museum and Replicas. Its pages are filled with lovely home decor catering to the fantasy, macabre, gothic style. Ah, I adore it. I cannot wait to set up my residence in Chico with Brie and Bryce.
And because Bryce is so awesome, he took me down to Chico with him and while he explored the mall I was granted a few precious hours with the man I am enamored with. I cannot articulate-fear silenced my tongue, from saying three seemingly small words which so desperately wished to be uttered, as I curled up with him on his bed and stroked his hair and face, faltering, almost-giving away my secret with each feather soft kiss. I digress. It has not escaped my attention that he may already in fact know what I meant to say, clever as he is. Two hours in his presence has meant more to me than so many event-filled days in his absence.
Despite having work tomorrow, the day boasts enjoyment. Brie is coming over to spend the night and we are going to Denny's, and I plan on returning several phone calls and setting up my schedule for next week. Though I cannot help feeling as though I will be walking on eggshells when I clock in tomorrow. This tension unnerves me. I have but six months left in this town, it would be quite silly to lose my job now after being employed there nearly two years.
Speaking of leaving for six months, Stacy has decided to do just that on a house-sitting adventure with her boyfriend. I am addled. Perhaps I would only be dishearted and saddened, if she had not been cancelling our plans frequently these last few weeks and spending the majority of her time with said boyfriend. I feel disposable. She is leaving in a matter of weeks, and I feel as though I am the only one in this friendship. It does not escape my attention either that when she plans on returning-I plan on leaving. Irony. As I have said, for me baking relieves stress. Excercising helps also. The night she told me, I made banana bread. When she bailed on our weekend plans, I ran for half a mile before the tears welling in my eyes fogged my vision so acutely that I was forced to cease. They did not fall. Brie found me that evening after she got off work, as we had plans to go shopping. I was numb by then, yet since she knows me so well she sensed my agitation, as I garbed myself in a simple black tunic dress, tights, and my rosary. I later found myself toying with it as we drank Jamba Juice. Some would say I succumbed to an Emo fit, because I was bad to myself that night. I drank two rockstars too many.
But Brie consoled me as we rifled through racks of clothes, Bryce allowed me to vent as we ate licorice on the drive down to Chico, and I recieved sound advice as usual from the man I will attempt to visit in Chico again soon, through the course of several three hour phone conversations. I feel better. Somewhat. More so if Kim can arrange a brief visit to Redding in the coming week. I miss her voice and her wit, and I know there is no way I will be able to feel dismal in her presence.
[ 12:47 a.m. ]
Tuesday, May 29, 2006 >> Crazy Thing called Life.
Beat Nickelback - Savin' Me
Disposition Restless
Baking. sleep deprivation. Fear of an eating disorder. Sweet little lies. church. Dresses. failed plans. Rockstars all the way.
This has been my life these past three no-four months-since I have last updated. Oy. This is going to be one of those stirring, long entries I am afraid. I have not wasted away to nothing, but lately I have been feeling like nothing. I have had many romantic entanglements in the lapse of a month, and I would dearly love to say I have learned from it yet I fear it isn't so as I am still carrying around a torch for a boy man that I know will never be extinguished. But I was in a relationship with another boy for a month before it fizzled It is a regret. [Meeting Him] The semester has finally come to a close, and I fear that through either a lack of sleep, a high degree of stress, and a low amount of protein in my diet I am two months late. Bugger. But I am going to wait it out a little longer before I go to a Doctor. I have been baking and cleaning more and more lately, if anything to take my mind off-life. I find at night after I come home from work, I long to venture out just to escape the demons waiting in a darkened bedroom-or at least invite others over, to chase them away. So often I find I whisper my secrets only to the shadows. It seems my mind and heart are sealed-nails on the coffin lid. Shut save to the ones who have already found their way in. I rarely let anyone in. I hide behind my eyes, and my hair.
Kino Makoto is once again my muse. I share her love of cooking, baking, cleaning-and obsessing over men. Though I confess I enjoy eating the cookie dough more than baking it sometimes. I have always had strange cravings, right now I desire licorice and a caramel latte, though I doubt I will get either this evening. I find as I type these words that I have missed this-sheer blogging bliss. Makoto will grace a blog layout if it kills me. And I made a new layout for my Duo site That makes me giddy. I want my life back. There is a good chance I may pull A's again this semester, and I am leery by the prospect of next fall being my last semester at Shasta before I transfer to Chico State. Heavy.
I have been having fun wearing dresses lately, as well as tunics and leggings. I adore the fusion of '70s inspired gauze dresses and gauchos and Medievel style tunics and thick belts. Bangles and '80s big hair is not disagreeable either. I have such beautiful friends as well. Stacy has gone blonde again, Sommer's baby is due in two months, and I am talking to Kim once more. I have missed her dearly.
No more than a month ago I set foot in a church and actually attended a service. It was awkward and exhilerating, enthralling and humbling all at once. The infidel among the believers. I hope some of their faith rubbed off on me. I find that I am enamored by religion, perhaps because I do not have one. I would love to attend Catholic mass, though I am afraid they would not appreciate my reverence from a scholarly, romantic point of view. I am taking a History of World Religions course next semester.
I requested two days off from work for a planned trip to the coast with my parents and Stacy, but once more my mother flaked out on me and we did not go. It will be a miracle if I am granted two more days off in a row, here's hoping. I had been longing to see the sea, feel the ocean air's embrace-perhaps on some off chance it could deliver quell me. I feel like going for a run, but I am not sure I would want to come back.
I watched Braveheart last night-how I adore that movie. I couldn't help but love the line-
"The Lord tells me he'll get me out of this mess but he's pretty sure you're fucked."
[ 2:20 p.m. ]
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Name Heather Noel.
The current layout features Riza Hawkeye of the anime Fullmetal Alchemist and the theme is set to the song by Bob Dylan Just like a Woman. Going back to my roots and reminiscent of a simpler time, I switched to a more traditional blog layout much akin to the ones I began with.
